6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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