At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
