Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
