If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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