If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
