She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
