i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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