i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
where does the pee come out of this thing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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