If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
