new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
