Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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