i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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