Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
