I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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