I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
