I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
