I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
