He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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