the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
