Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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