I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
