The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
