I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
