God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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