I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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