I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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