I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
