im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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