I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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