Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
