I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
