I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
