Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
And then he peed in my hair
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