I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
