Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
