I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
