My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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