I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
