A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
