Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
