Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
