dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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