she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
