Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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