Pants 0. Shit 1.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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