My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
