I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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