ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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