I wanna passion pit in your ass
I smell stomach acid.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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