Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am available for nakedness
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
