My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
