i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
