Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just want nice things and good sex
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
