Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
