i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
